My Unexpected Birth Story: From C-Section Grief to Breastfeeding Triumph
Grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and settle in. Today, I want to share a deeply personal story about my journey to motherhood. It’s a tale filled with unexpected twists, heartbreak, and ultimately, profound joy.
I was adamant about having a natural motherhood experience: natural birth, exclusively breastfeeding, delayed cord cutting, cloth nappies—the works. This was the plan until the day before my first baby was born.
During a routine Doppler check-up, the nurse noticed something alarming. My baby wasn't moving as she normally would, and her heart rate was slowed. I was asked to take a walk, drink a cup of coffee, eat something, and come back. However, the second Doppler session showed no improvement. I was told to wait for the doctor, who saw an abnormality with the baby’s heart and informed us that she needed to be born the next day. Since I had not gone into labour at all (at 39 weeks and 3 days), a C-section was recommended.
I was devastated. This was not what I wanted at all; it was not part of the plan. I wasn’t given a choice, just a time to be at the hospital. Thankfully, once she was born, the paediatrician checked her and found everything to be perfect. She had a very good Apgar score. This was a relief, but I still felt grief about my birth experience. And then, guilt crept in for grieving something that seemed so insignificant when I had a perfectly healthy baby in my arms.
Every time I hear about someone giving birth naturally, I still grieve. I know my doctor wouldn’t have insisted on the C-section if it wasn’t critical, and in the end, it was for the best. I believe some of my grief stems from the fact that she was conceived via IVF. I couldn't get pregnant naturally, and now I couldn't give birth naturally. It felt like my body was broken.
When she was born, I was wheeled to the recovery room. The doctor gave her to my husband to hold first. I didn’t mind at the time, but in hindsight, I would have preferred to hold her for the full “golden hour” before he had a turn. When the nurse tried to get her to latch, she commented that my breasts were too small and I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed. This was not a great confidence booster for a new mom already worried about breastfeeding.
During my three days in the hospital, I learned that nurses do not necessarily have your best interests at heart and may lack the required skills to teach a brand-new mom how to breastfeed. Most have good intentions but are sometimes ill-equipped to help effectively.
Once I was wheeled to my room, the nurse immediately took my newborn from my arms and started washing me. This was minutes after I had “given birth” via major abdominal surgery. I didn’t fight for myself and my wishes to be left alone for the golden hour. I just kept quiet and endured the embarrassment. The reality is they wanted to end their shift. I only realised this days later, when the drugs had worn off and I had some rest. I swore to myself I would never let that happen again.
The first night, they tried to convince me to let my newborn sleep in the baby room so I could rest. Luckily, the meds had worn off enough by then for me to know this was not what I wanted. I knew my baby would not be leaving my side, even if it meant no sleep for me. The next day, they took her away for check-ups and another sonar for her heart. My husband wanted to accompany her, but they said no due to COVID, which I don't believe because I saw other parents going to the baby room. They just didn’t want him to see what they were doing and this worries me to this day.
They bathed her without my consent and asked for a dummy and surgical spirits, which I didn’t want to use. Despite my persistence, they returned her “cleaned off,” which was very upsetting. However, I managed to keep to my preference for not using a dummy and for treating her umbilical cord naturally. Her cord fell off perfectly healthy and clean at eight days, proving that the decision to use Wecsin powder instead was the right choice.
My newborn had jaundice. None of the hospital staff noticed until she was three days old. My husband mentioned her yellow tint on day two, but they dismissed him and refused to let him take into the sun. Finally, on day three, the paediatrician ordered a test and then insisted she be given formula because she was too weak to breastfeed which was exacerbating the jaundice. I had no idea that frequent feeding would help her recover faster until a midwife told me three days after her birth and by this point, it was too late. Unfortunately in the end I was forced to give her formula via a syringe and essentially triple feeding for the first month of her life. I know now that if I had been more informed this would not have been necessary, nevertheless, I am proud of myself for persisting with the triple feeding until she was able to exclusively breastfeed for over 14 months.
I had read on many forums and in books that babies should never fall asleep while breastfeeding to avoid bad habits. What I did not know was that this rule did not apply to newborns and contributed to my struggles with breastfeeding because I was not allowing her to stimulate my milk production for as long as she wanted. I was frustrated with these so-called experts and their unrealistic advice. In truth, nursing is a natural act of love and comfort, not just nourishment and babies know how to stimulate your milk and send a message to your body to make more. We just need to allow them the time to do this.
The most important lesson I learned was to trust my instincts. My journey to motherhood was not what I had planned, but it taught me to be flexible, trust myself, stand up for myself and my children, and cherish the moments of connection with my baby.
Until next time,
Stay Serene, Mamma!
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